Blakey Blazes, Primal Podiums, Darth’s Damaged!

Amid testosterone, nerves, fruit gums & bewilderment in the case of newer drivers, the first race of the 2010 spring GP was about to start.

An evening of racing, sportsmanship, furry dice & bobble-head dashboard extras, which had been long awaited. The old hands lined up, complete with oil stained racing suits, and victory tallies carved into car bonnets that settled in nicely amongst the fresh faces in their shiny white race suits, and freshly painted motors. Darthalainen immediately broke out the migraleve after lining up next to Primalton's eye melting paintjob!

Both lobbies appeared to settle nicely, with the exception of a couple of late arrivals… Dvl had a late phone call from a sickly Stug, and Steve had wondered off for pre-race ablutions, and lost track of time reading his favourite weekly periodical ‘Cheesy Bearding’.

Qualifying in Lobby one commenced at 19:15hrs on the dot, with the entire session taking place in such a calm fashion, many race officials started to test the drivers water bottles for mogadon…this was unheard of, the first qualifying session of the first race of a new season, with new cars, new tracks, and not a sign of tension, disruption, or over-zealous cornering. The final positions>> Blakey Button took pole, with Primalton taking the second spot, Darthalainen in third. Then Kevbica, Welsh Webber, Dexter Vettel, and finally, the ever evil, the omnipresent, the one they say has Tin ears….Stig.

Qualifying over, the drivers took a brief respite to go through their all important pre-race shakedowns. Blakey Button could be found talking to the local Dog Warden, Primalton was busy tightening up the straps to the bricks on the bottom of his shoes, Darthalainen was fitting a child seat to his car, whilst muttering something about “genetics & finally & master plan”?? Kevbica was locked in yet another toilet, Welsh Webber strangely had an armful of bed sheets..???...., Dexter Vettel was tuning his portable TV to the football scores and rubbing sleep from his eyes…. Stig, meanwhile, remained his usual aloof self, saying nothing whilst listening to soft jazz, and looking at pornographic images of stoats.

The flag finally dropped, and the 2010 GP began in earnest…. Blakey Button took, and remained, in the lead, not having the good grace to at least pretend it was difficult to break away from the pack. Primalton kept in second, with a rapidly approaching Darthalainen causing not a small amount of cleft sweat in the pants area of Primalton… Kevbica, Welsh Webber and Dexter Vettel raced on in comparative silence, settling into position ahead of Stoat Botherer Stig. Primalton Radioed to drivers behind, warning of the impending catch up to the Stig…..always a moment of dread for Primalton, with several Stig related incidents recorded during last season.

A sweeping fast left hander found Primalton right behind the Stig's enormous Trans-am, and Darthalainen mere centimetres behind him… Primalton went to the right of Stig, taking himself off track for 2 seconds, thinking Third place beckoned, as the more experienced Darthalainen darted left to take Stig on the inside. But, the Trans Am swung back left after threatening Primalton’s paintwork, to give Darthalainen's car a none too considerable bashing… Darthalainen’s form shone through, as he kept full control, and still managed to pass the Stig, settling in back behind Primalton, but, intercepted radio transmissions to the White hart Racing Garage revealed that the Stig had damaged the brakes on Darthalainen’s car…stopping his chances to bag a second place finish. The race continued with no further incidents, apart from the odd frustrated shout from the cockpit of Welsh Webber's car when in the dying stages of the race, he also tangled with the Stig, dropping him to the back of the pack.

Blakey Button crossed the line, with a lap in hand, followed by Primalton, then Darthalainen (nursing a slightly bent brake pedal) then Kevbica, Dexter Vettel, Welsh Webber and Stig.

The first race was done, over, finished, all too soon for some, gratefully received by a sweaty short arse in a black and yellow car.

And now, we prepare to follow the drivers as Suzuka East beckons. And possibly a guest appearance from a range rover or two?

Till next time folks…..